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"No More Tears" my ass! I've been pouring Johnson's shampoo into this baby's eyes for hours and it's still crying! Babysitting is hard!
Today I told someone "I have to poop" and they told me "Too much information!" They must have a really small brain.
One of my biggest fears is giving people hugs. Because you don't know who, and who isn't, covered in chameleons.
I'm most disappointed when I see an old person fall and they don't spontaneously burst into raisins on impact.
There's a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.
I'm starting a business called "Copy Cats." Imagine Kinkos, but with cats lying all over the store in little blue vests.
It's only okay for a man to eat ice cream out of a cone if he swallows the ice cream whole and then crushes the cone on his forehead.
Rhinoculars: What rhinos call it when two of them sit on your face at the same time. Rhinos are dicks you guys, don't hang out with them.
I put the (children) in parentheses because I'm afraid if I let them out they'll ruin this sentence like they do everything else.
I'm most like a moth when I see something awesome and try to smash it with my face.
The direction of one's hat says a lot. Forward says "I'm serious." Backwards says "I'm here to party." Sideways says "Punch me in the face."
You can't run from your problems. Especially if one of your problems is that you don't have legs.
If I had a dollar for every time I expressed a coherent thought, orange is a great color.
Out of all the women I've been inside, I love you the most. Happy Mother's Day.
I'm no scientist, but based on past experience I think we could make Earth a whole lot better if we take off the crust.
I bought an arm and a leg, but the place charged me an arm and a leg so I gained nothing from the transaction.
Rice genius.
