Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.
"No More Tears" my ass! I've been pouring Johnson's shampoo into this baby's eyes for hours and it's still crying! Babysitting is hard!
Today I told someone "I have to poop" and they told me "Too much information!" They must have a really small brain.
I'm most disappointed when I see an old person fall and they don't spontaneously burst into raisins on impact.
One of my biggest fears is giving people hugs. Because you don't know who, and who isn't, covered in chameleons.
There's a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.
I'm starting a business called "Copy Cats." Imagine Kinkos, but with cats lying all over the store in little blue vests.
It's only okay for a man to eat ice cream out of a cone if he swallows the ice cream whole and then crushes the cone on his forehead.
I put the (children) in parentheses because I'm afraid if I let them out they'll ruin this sentence like they do everything else.
I'm most like a moth when I see something awesome and try to smash it with my face.
Rhinoculars: What rhinos call it when two of them sit on your face at the same time. Rhinos are dicks you guys, don't hang out with them.
"You just got served, muthafucka!" - briefly employed waiter
You can't run from your problems. Especially if one of your problems is that you don't have legs.
The direction of one's hat says a lot. Forward says "I'm serious." Backwards says "I'm here to party." Sideways says "Punch me in the face."
I bought an arm and a leg, but the place charged me an arm and a leg so I gained nothing from the transaction.
Osteoporosis is bad to the bone.
I'm no scientist, but based on past experience I think we could make Earth a whole lot better if we take off the crust.
Out of all the women I've been inside, I love you the most. Happy Mother's Day.
If I had a dollar for every time I expressed a coherent thought, orange is a great color.
"Hey, you gonna eat that tv?" - Kirstie Alley, somewhere