Everyone who made fun of you in high school is drinking flavored vodka right now.

Please share:  http://austin.craigslist.org/laf/3725293471.html …

@hell_homer If you run as fast as possible into the side of a Chipotle you go into a secret room with ammo and all the guns and stuff.

A country song about how much the guy loves his horse which he violently welded shoes onto, broke morally, and turned into a living bicycle.

I don't want to alarm you guys but whoopie goldberg literally translates to ” sex goldberg ”

When someone asks you ”how's it going?” The proper response is the decayed face of a january jack-o-lantern

When Prince raised the discussion on Pussy Control you didn't yell "they're coming to take our pussy!"

*points to mattress on floor* this is where the tragic happens

tip for spelling diarrhea: it's part diary and part Rhea Pearlman.

Death is terrifying and life is kind of like a job you could get fired from at any moment but it's Chili's so who cares

I will reveal the identity of one weird twitter person every hour on the hour until I receive all the followers in internet city

Fuck this, I'm gonna go be the @robdelaney of LinkedIn

"I'm against rape jokes except in the case of Louis CK" - a bunch of people.

Man, fuck cameron bucholtz.

Yes phone, add ” Canyonero” to your dictionary.

I just had a boring idea and one of those long fluorescent tube light bulbs popped up over my head.

I like the way you work it, no dignity

As I withdraw cash from a bank that funds private prisons to eat at a sandwich shop that hunts pumas I wink at a baby & say "you're fucked."

Hey @funfunfunfest yellow stage, THIS lives in your city, just sayin' http://t.co/kyV28fec

I don't like, literally believe in dinosaurs but I do believe in a dinosaur-like higher power of some kind. Probably a T-Rex.