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Everyone who made fun of you in high school is drinking flavored vodka right now.
A country song about how much the guy loves his horse which he violently welded shoes onto, broke morally, and turned into a living bicycle.
I don't want to alarm you guys but whoopie goldberg literally translates to ” sex goldberg ”
When someone asks you ”how's it going?” The proper response is the decayed face of a january jack-o-lantern
When Prince raised the discussion on Pussy Control you didn't yell "they're coming to take our pussy!"
*points to mattress on floor* this is where the tragic happens
tip for spelling diarrhea: it's part diary and part Rhea Pearlman.
Death is terrifying and life is kind of like a job you could get fired from at any moment but it's Chili's so who cares
I will reveal the identity of one weird twitter person every hour on the hour until I receive all the followers in internet city
"I'm against rape jokes except in the case of Louis CK" - a bunch of people.
Man, fuck cameron bucholtz.
Yes phone, add ” Canyonero” to your dictionary.
I just had a boring idea and one of those long fluorescent tube light bulbs popped up over my head.
I like the way you work it, no dignity
As I withdraw cash from a bank that funds private prisons to eat at a sandwich shop that hunts pumas I wink at a baby & say "you're fucked."
I don't like, literally believe in dinosaurs but I do believe in a dinosaur-like higher power of some kind. Probably a T-Rex.
Comedian, Writer, Host of @SpiteClubPod. Bitter.