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Michelle Bachmann is just the pen name of Stephen King. Everybody knows that.
Groupon is losing money. Perhaps because its name sounds like a mustard orgy?
Twitter is suggesting I follow IKEA. That's the company whose slogan is, "Here, You Fucking Build It," right?
Just so you know, we live in a country wherein if there is no sticker on the nectarine, the cashier does not know what kind of fruit it is.
Picture a time before Facebook. A magical time when assholes who beat you up in school could not inexplicably ask to be friends years later.
If you want to feel insignificant, look up at the stars and realize they also do not give a shit about your blog.
I'm very glad that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, because I don't think Carrot Top should be allowed across the state line.
You know tailgaters, noisy neighbors and Reality TV stars? Why can't Soylent Green be THOSE people?
BREAKING: Your heart on a daily basis as you confront the realities of this ridiculous charade we call life.
Update from SXSW: Goatees escape hipster's faces, attack indie label reps.
And then I turned and saw one set of footprints AND one set of hand prints, and Jesus said, "that was when Cirque du Soleil carried you."
Kirk Cameron called homosexuality "unnatural and ultimately destructive." Christ, what did he think "Growing Pains" did to us?
And then I looked back and saw THREE sets of footprints, and Jesus said, "that was when our indie band had a drummer."
My girlfriend referred to her cat as "handsome" and I actually got a little twinge of jealousy. Jesus, ladies, you're right. Men are idiots.
Find the person that means the most to you, right now, and tell them how you feel. Maybe that will finally get rid of them.
Facebook wants my phone # in case something goes wrong with my account. Facebook having my phone # IS something going wrong with my account.
Author: The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm (Sterling Books), creator: Mr. Paul Maul (self-help satire), blogger: (Huffington Post). Only 23 characters left now.
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