I hear that in Transformers 4, Decepticons take over Earth while Optimus Prime is at a Linkin Park concert.

Just saw a chick in East Village totally doing the kayak of shame.

When I orgasm, you better believe I do the chant from Enigma's 1994 hit "Return to Innocence".

Lubriderm and Jergens are both disgusting names for lotion.

In Avengers 2, our heroes spend the entire movie battling indigestion from that shawarma they ate at the end of the credits.

Everyone is talking about iPhone 5, but nothing can top iPhone 4 where iPhone goes to USSR & avenges Apollo's death by defeating Ivan Drago.

"I'm a really big fan."-a windmill running into a celebrity on the street

I bet there are a lot of WEIRD walks of shame going on this morning from people leaving those End Of The World fuckfests.

As soon as Kanye found out Kim was pregnant he ran out and bought one of those World's Greatest Dad coffee mugs.

Copy machines are so unoriginal.

I told Harrison Ford happy birthday today and he just said, "I know."

Thought I saw Kid Rock on the street but it turned out to be some pubes taped to a broom.

Sometimes you just feel like wearing a turtleneck and listening to Sade.

In the dark, oscillating fans look like evil robots scanning your body for weapons.

Congrats to Harvard on their 1st NCAA Tournament win. But one win isn't cool. You know what's cool? A billion wins.

Today is "Take Your Child To Work Day", which in China is known as "everyday".

Cab driver was playing "Don't You Forget About Me" on the radio so I froze the whole ride w my fist in the air. He didn't get the reference.

My friend Sam just dropped some truth: "There are two types of people in this world: those who admit they love Kelly Clarkson and LIARS."

"He went to Jared." means he's going to wear sweatpants for 90% of your marriage.

Now I know where my mom got that Derek Jeter signed baseball.