Never really got into NASCAR, probably because I like the sleeves on all my t-shirts.

Bought some deodorant today and it said "take off top & push up bottom" hurts to walk now, but my farts smell AWESOME!

If a fat bitch falls in the woods, do the trees and squirrels laugh?

Fire dept. Guy said one of the exit sign lights were out. My reply: You can't see that big ass door under it?

I don't have a problem buying tampons, but take it from me fellas, they don't make good gifts.

I'm willing to bet more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay Jewelers?

Watched an episode of Mob Wives last night and now I'm scared to go to New York or New Jersey

I like to call up Customer Service and pretend to speak all Pakistani, so they know how we feel!

Had a hard time ordering my coffee at the drive thru this morning, lady thought I was a retard I'm sure because she handed me an application

TSA, the one place you can get molested before you get to your uncles house.

Co-worker asked me to fix her printer today, I walked over and pushed print, oh yeah, I'm the next Steve Jobs!

Punch anyone who calls it "tater salad"

New diet idea, no carbs, no fat and no protein, so I guess that leaves Jack Daniels over ice? Wish me luck!

Saw a guy driving a Prius with NASCAR bumper stickers all over it and concluded that I probably follow him on twitter!

Been researching a Juice fast, but can't find anything in the research that mentions Jack Daniels?!

You know you still like Ice Ice Baby from Vanilla Ice, you're just to embarrassed to admit it.

Pro tip: Don't mention w~a~l~m~a~r~t in a tweet. Many bots will follow. On a good note, I broke 200!!!

Yeah yeah, let's play trivial pursuit cause I'm smart and know everything ~ me when I'm drinking.

Fuck it, I'm learning Chinese now so when they take over I'll have a leg up! Of course, that's what I said about Spanish 15 years ago? IDK?

Glass half empty, half full? Fuck that, you gonna drink that shit?~ me always!