I just set my email's auto-response to "I'm looking into this now. I'll let you know."

I literally never have to respond to emails again.

People who won't follow you unless you follow back probably always got picked last for kickball.

I weigh more than my credit score.

For me, every Friday is Black Friday.

"No crackers in bed!" - Racist black parents

How ironic is it that now all the black kids WANT to sit at the back of the bus?

I just saved 57 dollars on my groceries without a single coupon.

Self checkouts are awesome.

Every time I get called in for jury duty I show up wearing my "Ain't gonna be no O.J. up in here!" T-shirt.

If I was on Survivor they'd have to blur my moobs.

You know your fucking worthless when Wal-Mart wont even take a chance on financing you for a $300 Acer laptop.

Michael Jackson's voice was at its deepest when he was 7.

I spray my nonstick cookware with Pam because Rachael Ray's not the boss of me and also because she's getting a little chunky.

Dominos: Where you never have to make eye contact with the delivery guy bc he's ashamed of working for them & you're ashamed of eating it.

Friend: Lets roll dude. I cant get any pussy here.

Me: Well try losing the Strawberry Wine Cooler sissy because you're fuckin us both up.

"ladies first" is my philosophy when cliff diving or eating strange shit. Not so much during sex. Sorry, girls.

Introducing my daughter as the anti-christ to the Jehovah's Witnesses at my door just made my Saturday, probably not theirs.

A co-worker asked me if I could help tutor his kid in math. That's like asking me to fill in for Fabio for a romance novel cover shoot.

I just tried to order a Wasabi sandwich on rye at this sushi bar, so I'll be accepting the "Most Stoned Motherfucker Ever" award now.

I'm not very religious, but I did let a blind man give me oral sex while speaking in tongues.

Whoever has their Onstar info being sent to my gmail account by mistake needs to put air in their left rear tire.