I think the last time I drank a glass of water was in grade 7

First person to eat out Enid Coleslaw wins.

I'm pretty sure that having sex with a pregnant person is the closest I'll ever get to a threesome.

E=mc2 ? I'd say "E" equals a three day hangover.

"I really hope this is phase cuz I just wasted four days of my life lying in bed without human contact" - guy who just hit 100 tweets

No really people, two stars per tweet is about all I can handle. Thanks for your support.

Steven Tyler is going to be a great Charlie Sheen replacement !!!

Fighting with my wife. In a rage she yells "Maybe you'd get some pussy if you were'nt such a pussy". My response,..."Good tweet !"

Oh sorry, did I just spill my drink on your cock. Let me wipe that up with some lube.

Tonight I'll be headlining my twitter account. I'm also the opener, the MC, and the doorman.

What is Boy George saying in that song ? "Karma Chameleon" or "Cum on a Chameleon" ?

I thought my friend was hitting on my mom so I banged his sister. Then I found out I was wrong but I still think I did the right thing.

I'm gonna draw scary faces on my balls and call them the beastie boys.

How come nobody ever clicks "like" on my updates?.....whoops, wrong website. My bad !

There's a midget living in Compton that loves using a Ouija board. They call him "Wee G".

Oh now I get it, an awkward silence is when a room full of people start simultaneously thinking about what a loser I am.

I wish more A-list comics and bands would plug their dates on here so I can be up on all the shows I'll never see.

It turns out my cat is allergic to being euthanized.

The only reason I where sun glasses while playing poker is so nobody can tell I'm sleeping through that boring piece of shit game.

Babies that eat cigarette butts are so cool.