Introverts have the best inside jokes.

You may think you're charming, but the only reason Im considering sucking your dick is because I had tacos loaded with habaneros 20 min ago

At least I'm not in denial about my self-destructive tendencies.

Hookers and cocaine on a Thursday? It must be payday.

It's awesome when you are given the opportunity to rip someone who deserves it a new asshole. Such a release

There are days you'll feel restricted and suffocated by the pressures of the world. Such days, find your own personal freedom.
Go Commando.

Thinking of becoming a DJ to throw down some dirty dubstep. My DJ name: Toxic Shock Syndrome.

I think my favorite part of seeing Hunger Games was when everyone in the theater broke out laughing at the Twighlight preview.

Well, I have to admit the sex is great, but is it bad that I view you as more of a psychological curiosity than a romantic interest?

Any chic who says she doesn't play with her own tits is a lying prude. I can barely make it through the mornin without giving them a workout

There is something painfully wrong about waking up before the sun.

Traded my morning yoga and pilates for starfucking the denizens of twitter. My real world lovers are not amused.

Ever been in a public place and just wanted to shout at the people around you to shut the fuck up. I'm not a happy panda at the moment.

I tenderly caress the dash of my wanna-be-jeep as if that will actually help her to not overheat on my drive home.

Verbal abuse is totally acceptable as long as it delivered with facetious wit and intelligence.

Visiting family is now gone. Now, I can finally walk around the house in the nude again without those awkward comments. Sweet, sweet freedom

I'm sorry, I don't catch your drift. Could you sum that up in 140 characters or less for me? And add a facetious tone, as well?

7 fully loaded BK carne asada tacos. New record. I'm pretty sure I just ate my body weight. I think I could do 2 more.

Psychological warfare should always begin at the door.

I am so happy that I have real world friends that ask me questions like, "What would be harder? Loving an ugly kid or a stupid kid?"