The definitive answer to the question "Could you create a rock so big even you couldn't lift it?" is: put the bong down and get a job.

You are guaranteed a place in heaven if you a) live a life of total humility free of sin and earthly corruption, or b) follow Me on Twitter.

People like to imagine Me coming down to end civilization because it's less scary than imagining being left alone and doing it yourselves.

I am the light and the way and the truth and just the shit in general.

With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they're all deductible.

"I'll pray for you" is Christian-speak for "I hate you".

Hell is reserved for people who believe others are going there.

Misinterpreting the Bible is not much worse than correctly interpreting the Bible.

Every artist has that one creation they didn't think much of at the time but ends up being a huge hit with the public. For Me, it's boobs.

Kill three people with a WMD and you get a capital murder charge. Kill 300,000 people without any WMD and you get a presidential library.

Gay marriage is equal to straight marriage. Gay weddings, though, are far superior.