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When something goes wrong in your life just yell "plot twist" and move on.
What doesn't kill us makes our drinks stronger.
My windows aren't dirty...that's my dogs nose art.
I ruin lots of things. It’s nothing personal, I promise.
I usually make situations worse.
Sometimes I just really want to gently look someone in the eyes and say, you need to stop talking.
By the look of this wound, I must have used a sword to shave my legs.
I've been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is working out.
Have you ever wondered what voice people read your tweets in?
This coconut water tastes like I should have gotten a soda instead.
I felt like giving up, but I remembered I have a lot of people to prove wrong.
If you’re whispering anywhere near my vicinity, I automatically assume it’s about me.
I wish Pokemon battle music played whenever I run into someone I don't like.
Let’s drink like dwarves, smoke like wizards, and party like hobbits.
I still have dreams about being murdered by a Furby.
Relationship status? Netflix, Oreos, and sweatpants.
I’d rather go bungee jumping then continue balancing my credit cards.
I'm not mad, it's just the way my face looks.
Who needs an arch nemeses when you have family.
This Jameson taste like delicious regret.
Makeup artist in training who's likely to fail, but trying not to.