Four out of five dentists fucked my sister, Beth. She’s a slut.

“And this bathroom has perfect lighting for showing your tits on the internet.”

- Realtors

If Freud were alive today he would read Twitter and think “It’s 1000x worse than I thought.”

You say potato, I say potato. Guess that doesn't really work here, does it.

Avoiding a kiss from a dude I don’t like is the closest I’ll get to figure skating backwards.

Nice try, women’s basketball coaches pretending to have husbands.

If my boobs could talk I bet men would ignore them.

“I’m so sick of Twitter. It’s such a waste of time. Hey, I just wrote a tweet! Want to read it? OMG, it’s so funny!”

Sometimes I feel sad when someone steels a tweet but then I remember terrible things happen in this world and people die.

Never lose hope. There are some great people out there. Maybe not here, but somewhere, probably.

It's not gay if the tongue is not fully inserted.

What?

On a good day my labia looks like glazed ham.

Anal is just a guy’s way of saying “What else can I do with this thing?”

Girth: It’s what’s for dinner.

some tweets seem strangely all the same, like “please look at me!” or “I like sex!” or “this is really a cry for help!”

You're out, you say. I want you in. Me. I like being around you.

Well today was another glorious piece of fuck

Every girls looks forward to her first few weddings!

Ladies, unless your piss goes everywhere except in the toilet, you can’t really call it a “lady boner.”

Guns don’t kill people. Gigantic, Trans-Atlantic passenger ships with insufficient lifeboats kill people. #titanic re-release