Just once I would like to see the guy in the Men's Warehouse commercial say at the end "I Guaran-fucking-tee it"

We all need love. There's nothing wrong with physical contact either.

Now let me hug you. With my vagina. On your tongue.

Sometimes I slap my hand on the glass door and leave a streaky handprint to make anyone who sees it think I have sex in the shower.

Fellas, I'm not impressed till you can make me squirt into my own face.

#imbendy

I just made my boyfriend apologize for something he wasn't aware he was doing.

So yeah, I'm a jedi now.

You go ahead and watch Pawn Stars, my love. I'll just sit here readin my book in silence.

Judging you and re-evaluating our relationship.

Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed by my love for you. I want to take you in my arms, and lock you in my basement,

To visit on rainy days.

My kid likes to take his toy drill to his nipples.

He's destined for twitter.

My phone just have me the "4% battery life remaining" warning...

You're not the boss of m

Ladies, if your eyes don't water, you aren't trying hard enough.

My zipper keeps going down.

I think my pants are trying to seduce me.

Never ask your friends to help you pack or they will relabel your naughty box to "kitchen" and make my relationship with my dad so awkward.

I love movie night with the kids. My husband always seems to ruin it though. Sitting there, talking, breathing.

Existing.

Fat girls,

Your skinny friends are lying to you. Go change.

Do these missing panties make me look slutty?

Wendys is really playing up that their fries are seasoned with “sea salt.” No thanks Wendys, I pee in the sea

No, YOU just walked outside in nothing but a t shirt.

Hello Mr New Neighbor. This is my vagina.

You know what is a total mind fuck?

Remembering forgetting. Its like looking into a hall of mirrors.

I wish I had a bigger rack to get more followers.

Wait.

Damn.

According to the automatic doors st this gas station, I'm invisible.

I'm totally adding that to my resume.