@JarfOmega's most faved Tweets...
Coworker: "... a universe so perfect, there has to be an intelligent designer, dontcha think?" Me: "I pee out of my sex organ. You tell me."
Of course Im funny - Im miserably unattractive. Its evolution's way of saying "No sweat, pal. We'll still get ya laid one way or another."
I'm a thing! Who said I wasn't a thing!? I'm sooooo a thing. And that thing that I am is probably an asshole.
I refuse to use the unisex bathroom down the hall. If I walked in on 2 unicorns fucking, I could never come back to this office.
My life really stunk before Febreeze. Now it smells like cigarettes, dead bodies, and rabbit shit carried on a gentle springtime breeze.
Someone told me today that I was too vulgar. I told them they were a shitty twat full of anti-fun that was sewn up with used dental floss.
When life hands you lemons, be all like "WTF, life!? I can't pay my bills with fruit!" and wait patiently until life hands you dollars.
Oh shit. Im sitting at work 4 minutes after 5, which according to my watch is fuckingstupid o'clock.
I just got 100% on a real song on real guitar. I scored like 8,321,838,447 points and unlocked secret characters, like your mom naked.
I wish more people would have their pictures put on their tombstones so I would have an easier time deciding which ones to dig up.
I've actually been loved before. At least that's what this shoe box full of naughty letters from bitches that hate me now seems to indicate.
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