"It burns when I sing!" ~ Urethra Franklin

Your toddler took his first step? Big deal. When he has completed the other 11 steps, I'll be impressed with your drunk baby.

My life is the result of clicking "Remind Me Later" every time.

My dad just sent his first text! It said, "Goddamn just call me."

Coworker: "... a universe so perfect, there has to be an intelligent designer, dontcha think?" Me: "I pee out of my sex organ. You tell me."

If my math is correct, titties.

A bunch of magnets get dumped into the same box. Polarity ensues.

Whenever I feel the holy spirit burning in my chest, I start speaking in TUMS.

"I have the pussy, I make the rules!" Rules? That's a funny way to spell sandwiches.

I refuse to use the unisex bathroom down the hall. If I walked in on 2 unicorns fucking, I could never come back to this office.

Of course Im funny - Im miserably unattractive. Its evolution's way of saying "No sweat, pal. We'll still get ya laid one way or another."

If you are reading this, then you arent working either.

I just got home from Wal-Mart. I saw nothing but attractive, well-dressed people. These people are undoubtedly blogging about me right now.

When life hands you lemons, be all like "WTF, life!? I can't pay my bills with fruit!" and wait patiently until life hands you dollars.

I'm a thing! Who said I wasn't a thing!? I'm sooooo a thing. And that thing that I am is probably an asshole.

Oh shit. Im sitting at work 4 minutes after 5, which according to my watch is fuckingstupid o'clock.

My life really stunk before Febreeze. Now it smells like cigarettes, dead bodies, and rabbit shit carried on a gentle springtime breeze.

John Cougar Menstrualcramp. That is all.

Someone told me today that I was too vulgar. I told them they were a shitty twat full of anti-fun that was sewn up with used dental floss.

I've actually been loved before. At least that's what this shoe box full of naughty letters from bitches that hate me now seems to indicate.