Hey ladies, you know what a few grey hairs on a guy means? It means we know what the fuck we're doing.

If you're not following me and received this tweet, it's because someone is smarter than you.

I just choked on my own spit. Coughed for like 10 minutes, eyes all watering. I'd be horrible at blow jobs.

A black guy just called me "His Nigga." Hear that black guys? I'm in!

From across the bar, she's a hot chick with a tramp stamp. Up close it's a dude with a big patch of lower back hair. Fuck this place.

Every year on my birthday, I carry a hand grenade incase someone throws me a surprise party. Surprise this, mother fuckers.

Ever pretend your beer is empty just to get the last one in the Fridge? Don't pretend you don't.

I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.

Not now bitch, I'm watching badminton.

The day you throw up a cigarette butt is the day we're equals.

I just re-used a god damn tea bag. I might as well retire & make fuckin bird houses the rest of my life.

By the time you read this tweet, I will be reading it with you checking for typos.

Nobody has winning tweets every time. Don't criticize, you asshole. Let these people tweet. That's what twitter is. You know who you are.

HER: "Why didn't you call me last night???"

ME: "I was stuck in a well."

HER: "OMG are you okay???"

ME: "Wow."

My fart just sounded like wind chimes, am I gay?

I just accidentally swallowed a metal washer. Why? Because it was IN MY MOUTH!!! Fuck, pay attention.

I passed out taking a piss this morning. Good thing I never got out of bed.

2 AM & I'm the only American on my roof drinking Red Bull and beer with a high powered rifle guarding my country. US? I got this.

In the bathroom pretending to shit with a bottle of Irish whiskey & a smoke because kids exist.

First day on Twitter I thought you just click the Tweet button & something funny would post. Didn't know you had to come up with shit. Fuck.