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Hey ladies, you know what a few grey hairs on a guy means? It means we know what the fuck we're doing.
If you're not following me and received this tweet, it's because someone is smarter than you.
I just choked on my own spit. Coughed for like 10 minutes, eyes all watering. I'd be horrible at blow jobs.
A black guy just called me "His Nigga." Hear that black guys? I'm in!
From across the bar, she's a hot chick with a tramp stamp. Up close it's a dude with a big patch of lower back hair. Fuck this place.
I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.
Every year on my birthday, I carry a hand grenade incase someone throws me a surprise party. Surprise this, mother fuckers.
Ever pretend your beer is empty just to get the last one in the Fridge? Don't pretend you don't.
I just re-used a god damn tea bag. I might as well retire & make fuckin bird houses the rest of my life.
Not now bitch, I'm watching badminton.
Nobody has winning tweets every time. Don't criticize, you asshole. Let these people tweet. That's what twitter is. You know who you are.
The day you throw up a cigarette butt is the day we're equals.
I passed out taking a piss this morning. Good thing I never got out of bed.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
By the time you read this tweet, I will be reading it with you checking for typos.
Daughter: Dad don't embarrass me when you meet him.
Me: I won't sweetie.
Me to Boyfriend: Hi Jeff. No anal or they'll never find your body.
I bet the black iPhone is faster than the white one.
HER: "Why didn't you call me last night???"
ME: "I was stuck in a well."
HER: "OMG are you okay???"
I just accidentally swallowed a metal washer. Why? Because it was IN MY MOUTH!!! Fuck, pay attention.
My fart just sounded like wind chimes, am I gay?
EXPLICIT CONTENT. If the Olsen Twins call, I'm not here. http://favstar.fm/users/jarhead44