'Yeah I admit, I am overly needy and clingy.'

- no girl, ever.

I don't have PMS, I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, & my panties aren't in a bunch.

You're just fucking irritating.

Being starred is like being made love to. Being retweeted is like being fucked long and hard.
And I'll happily accept any of those 4 things.

If you like a tweet for any reason, click 'favorite' and give it a gold star. It means ever so much to us starwhores on favstar.

I'm so narcissistic that when someone retweets me I go to their profile just to see what my tweet looks like on their timeline.

If there's a socially acceptable way to tell someone else's kids to shut the fuck up, I'd like to hear it.

If you stare at a woman's tits when she talks she accuses you of not listening but if you watch her face she thinks you don't like her tits.

I'm not sexually confused. My sexual orientation is 'yes'.

'I can't believe I gave my virginity to him'

-every girl, ever.
Except celibate nuns.

That mid sentence moment when your words start to slow as your brain realises you're about to reveal the lie you've been telling everyone.

Boobs
Sex
Life sucks
FUCK
Retweets > stars
Cats
Penis
Alcohol
Meth
Menstruation
My spouse is hopeless
Candy

That should appeal to everyone

I'm guessing the person who decided to call it 'common sense' didn't know that many people.

Letting all my eye shadow, mascara and lip gloss roam together freely & seductively in my drawer is the closest to makeup sex I've been.

People who don't tie their shoelaces properly be trippin'.

I hate it when people state the obvious. Like, 'oh your hair is so long now!' and 'wow your car is pink!' and 'hey you're eating my lunch!'

Maybe they should make tampons in the same size and shape as penises so women on their period won't be so fucking cranky.

Most of us can't be accused of tweet stealing because we're too narcissistic to read what others are saying anyways.

I was thinking of buying edible panties for Valentines day..

but I'm probably not flexible enough to eat them off myself.

Tip Of The Day: the 'unfollow' button uses a lot less time and energy than expressing your opinion to someone who probably won't give a shit

Female porn stars: do tampons even stay up there anymore?

This keeps me awake at night.