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"This is how the world works." People in their 20's.
Just downloaded Paris Hilton's new single and my computer got herpes.
My rap name is "CVS Rewards."
LAPD met with LL Cool J to let him know he's not a suspect, then shot him just to be safe.
If you're over 55 and your kid is home for the holidays, get your shit together and know your wifi password.
Every time I see Taylor Swift onstage I pray that Kanye will walk on and ruin it.
"And then what happened in your dream?!" - No One Ever
RT if you've destroyed all your real relationships and now this is all you have.
Gary Busey wrote Jodie Foster's speech.
When I wear a t-shirt in a swimming pool, I'm letting the world know I've put cheeseburgers before everything else.
Every Sunday night, Mumford and Sons, The Lumineers & The Avett Brothers get in their long johns, drink chicory & take shits in the woods.
Tough being gay as a kid, but what about the kids that were straight but total pussies. No parades for me, that's all I'm saying.
People ask me what the key is to a great marriage and it's very simple: One person eats shit and the other person soars like a bird.
My friend's e-cigarette makes him look like a magician in 4th grade.
Almost got run over by a Prius because the engine is so quiet, but luckily the driver was yelling "I'm better than you!"
Girls are so lucky they can cry whenever they want. A guy's gotta wait until somebody dies or until it's time to take a shower.