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I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My penis is now 235 feet long.
Throw a surprise party for a psychic and destroy his reputation.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Cilantro is something you either love or hate or like a medium amount or don’t care about or don’t know about.
Why would the oceans rise? That’s RIDICULOUS, laughed the people who believe the Red Sea parted.
Wonder if Darth Vader ever did the jerk-off motion & accidentally force-jerked some dude across the room.
The soft spot on a kid’s skull is where you pop the straw in.
If I were Kevin Bacon, I would pour lettuce and tomato down my pants and say “Who wants a *ME* L.T.?”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman's body.
We age our single malt scotch 15 years in just a few months by subjecting it to a series of harrowing emotional experiences.
I love when you think your grandma is dead, but then it turns out she was wearing a bulletproof vest.
I'm a PLANT motherfucker, I eat sunlight and shit fresh air, so suck my leafy green DICK
Did you know you can turn Tylenol into Tylenol Back Pain just by adding the words "Back Pain"? The secret ingredient is words.
Out the plane window, I just saw the shittiest cloud. Seriously you should be glad you didn’t see this piece of shit cloud. So disgusted.
When my dog stares at a squirrel, she gets an expression I can only describe as deeply racist.
I’m starting to think no matter how long I sit on them, these balls are never gonna hatch into baby penis chickens.
This mustache makes me look like a total pedophile. On the other hand, the kids love it.
Danger is my maiden name.
I citizens arrested a cop so he regular arrested me. It's like hellooooo officer, this could go on forever.
If you hate women, the middle class, science, the environment, immigrants, gays, peace with Iran, and dogs, Romney’s your man. #Obama2012
Writer for @Wipeout. Stand-up. Sketchmaker for WeirdTV. Member of sketch comedy troupe The Ministry of Unknown Science. My heart belongs to @apryln.