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I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My penis is now 235 feet long.
Throw a surprise party for a psychic and destroy his reputation.
Cilantro is something you either love or hate or like a medium amount or don’t care about or don’t know about.
Why would the oceans rise? That’s RIDICULOUS, laughed the people who believe the Red Sea parted.
You can do anything you set your mind to, you piece of shit.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Wonder if Darth Vader ever did the jerk-off motion & accidentally force-jerked some dude across the room.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman's body.
The soft spot on a kid’s skull is where you pop the straw in.
I'm a PLANT motherfucker, I eat sunlight and shit fresh air, so suck my leafy green DICK
If I were Kevin Bacon, I would pour lettuce and tomato down my pants and say “Who wants a *ME* L.T.?”
Did you know you can turn Tylenol into Tylenol Back Pain just by adding the words "Back Pain"? The secret ingredient is words.
I love when you think your grandma is dead, but then it turns out she was wearing a bulletproof vest.
We age our single malt scotch 15 years in just a few months by subjecting it to a series of harrowing emotional experiences.
When my dog stares at a squirrel, she gets an expression I can only describe as deeply racist.
Just saw a lady with a man bun.
Out the plane window, I just saw the shittiest cloud. Seriously you should be glad you didn’t see this piece of shit cloud. So disgusted.
At the top of the Vatican you can get God to eat a Cheese Puff right from your hand.
I citizens arrested a cop so he regular arrested me. It's like hellooooo officer, this could go on forever.
Danger is my maiden name.
TV writer: http://bit.ly/1FMSXjP Standupper: http://bit.ly/1kWHpyd Sketchmaker: http://bit.ly/1keWxsV Marrier: @apryln
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