This Twitter addiction is getting bad..I don't even try to turn right on red anymore.

I always keep myself "satisfied" in case a beautiful woman with no clothes rings the doorbell and falls on top of me when I answer the door.

I always buy vegetables in bulk because I like to save money before I throw it away.

Eating Spaghetti while listening to my iPod, I discovered that my ear buds taste like shit and that they are just way too tough and chewy!

Steven Segal gets in a fight but since he has permanently squinted eyes neither could see well enough to realize he's fighting a closet door

If you've ever or ever do feel alone..Just remember you are an independent part of an infinite being..Time will endure all else..Love You!!

If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.

I'm just hoping to write that one perfect Tweet that will allow me to retire for the evening.

The best thing about walking a 105 lb. Black Lab @ night is robbing the punk-ass kids who didn't see him when they just tried to rob me..$2?

At least 50% of the smile lines on my face are from being polite to people I don't even know or care about..From now on they get the finger!

I finally starred every Tweet! I lost my job & my car..Haven't showered, slept or eaten in a week but I made it! Fuck me..Who just Tweeted?!

My favorite feeling is the warmth I feel from others and seeing them feel it reflecting back.

A co-worker just got fired for going on to FaceBook and posting rants about the Boss and Company...Idiot! That's what Twitter is for!

Before you decide to try and have the voices in your head silenced...Remember, they're writing most of your Tweets for you free of charge.

If I tell you you're pretty it's just cause you're the stunning result of an exploding Star convalescing into something even more beautiful!

Holding out for the Perfect person to touch your life will likely leave you having to touch yourself.

My Safeword is actually this sentence - "Fuck You!"

I thought bikers always wave when passing eachother on the road? I don't get why no one waves back. Almost makes me wanna return this moped!

How many Tweeters to change a light bulb? 1..He can change it by himself..Hard part's writing a funny tweet about it featuring the word Fuck

I always come prepared for any eventuality when I go on a date by bringing along a tent & water in case I get lost on the way to her G-Spot