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Twitter feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured.
I like to cover my tracks by ending all my Google searches with the word "hypothetically"
If Black Betty really bammed a lamb in Alabam someone should have notified PETA!
My Nana wants to match me up with her bridge partner's daughter...I told her I have plenty of girlfriends online and she just died laughing.
Twitter ~ Where some of the smartest people in the World get together to say some seriously stupid shit and then laugh about it all day long
Microsoft is selling Japanese technology using a British accent to kids in the US who can't see shoes on their feet made by kids in Malaysia
People with guns & religion as their 2 main interests make me nervous...When god fucks them over they usually take it out on the rest of us.
This Twitter addiction is getting bad..I don't even try to turn right on red anymore.
Sometimes in our quest to be funny & tweet clever quips about eachother we forget there are many people w/o internet..Lets make fun of them.
I've been pacing myself all day at work, but I'm still way too drunk to drive home
There's only so many ways u can tactfully hint that someone's being a selfish ass before u end up slapping said person publicly..SORRY BOSS!
When u give someone a sincere apology after making a mistake &they refuse to acknowledge it..Thank them 4 showing u how petty they truly are
If Twitter taught me anything it's this: It's absolutely possible to fall in love w/ 409 women, 82 men disguised as women & 2 w/no disguise
If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.
People r asking how I look so young @ 40..I haven't smiled or laughed out loud for 12 yrs, So I'm dead inside but amazingly vibrant outside!
Ridiculous..Early for court ordered meeting to control my impulse to shirk responsibility. I'm going next door to "Nympho's w/o boundaries"
I always keep myself "satisfied" in case a beautiful woman with no clothes rings the doorbell and falls on top of me when I answer the door.
I always buy vegetables in bulk because I like to save money before I throw it away.
Eating Spaghetti while listening to my iPod, I discovered that my ear buds taste like shit and that they are just way too tough and chewy!
Steven Segal gets in a fight but since he has permanently squinted eyes neither could see well enough to realize he's fighting a closet door
The Official Twitter Feed For me..It's Official because I said so!