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Note to self: next time you get pulled over for speeding, do not tell the officer you "got here as fast as you could".
People of the Midwest: it's just snow. We've seen this show before. Please drive accordingly.
The last thing that took a beating this bad was a Kardashian tonsil. @toddkincannon
Why does every Apple store smell like someone wiped their ass with an armpit?
@th3j35t3r Meanwhile, in Kim Jong Un's office... pic.twitter.com/7mG2zkZ15j
I'm standing in my kitchen in gym shorts eating reheated pizza if you wonder what a jet-setting playboy like myself does on a Saturday night
In the interest of full catfish disclosure, I'm not the overweight 36 year old that send you stubby cock pics...I'm only 35.
@toddkincannon I've yet to hear a tangible, coherent argument from anyone justifying their vote for O; other than "free stuff".
Clothes on the floor, bed torn apart, dog hiding in the corner...
Yep, my toddler is loose in the house.
Oh, Someone hurt your feelings on twitter? Please visit MySpace to join a support group.