There's nothing worse than getting drunk and waking up next to a chick with a bigger dick then me

Drugs don't destroy people, dreams do...

I drank so much vodka last night that my farts are intoxicating

You've got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across

I wish my kids would start getting drunk so they stop getting up so early

All women are fucking crazy!

People who do drugs smell good

The closest I've ever been to having a threesome is jerking off in front of two mirrors :)

Twitter makes me feel normal

When two bipolar people have sex together it's like a foursome....

I'm not gonna consider my phone a smart phone until the day your avi can blow me

Some people just need a good ass fucking

My 1 star tweet was better than your 50+ star tweet! Haha.

The first question I ask on a date is, do you want to go see a movie or make one?

I always attract Psycho bitches...

Being a DILF isn't easy...

Why am I up so early? I don't fuckin work!

I don't think I'm getting enough pussy in my diet...

It's kind of hard to bring sexy back when you never lost it...

Your ass makes your pants look big!