If you read your timeline backwards it's about a lunatic seeking validation and ends with a normal person wondering what "the twitter" is.

Things I've done more of since I joined twitter:

1. Less

I just strangled a mime with a cordless phone.

There's someone out there for everyone. Don't worry if you're alone, your true love is just having sex with someone else right now.

My son asked me what a Republican was. To demonstrate, I took half his toys and gave them to the rich neighbor's kids.

Ladies, faking an orgasm is so passé. Try faking a hard on. Now that's talent.

Space shuttle Endeavor lands in Los Angeles today after following Apple Maps directions to the moon.

PRO TIP: When the wife asks what you want for breakfast, "MY LIFE BACK!", is the wrong answer.

Give a man twitter and he'll laugh for a day. Teach a man to tweet and he'll never bathe again.

When Charlie Sheen dies his ghost is going to come back and snort the chalk outline.

My liver just reached into my wallet and tore up my organ donor card.

In any relationship the first person to make the other scream "What the hell do you want from me?!" wins.

I don't see the big deal with Chris Brown. Bill Gates has been breaking Windows for years.

Things that shouldn't be opened:

1. Shaken soda can
2. Can of worms
3. Ecto-containment unit
4. Pandora's box
5. Sarah Palin's mouth

Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any life left, he's single.

Words I want to hear after sex:

Mark Zuckerberg says he only eats the meat of animals he's killed. Maybe not related, but has anyone seen Tom from Myspace lately?

It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.

If the police ever find out about Twitter, we're all fucked.

Don't you hate when someone without kids tells you how to parent? I think I know how much alcohol my kids can handle.