Forgot my gloves and now I gotta walk around like I'm devising an evil plan.

On Sundays I like to sleep in crucifixion position.

Everytime I see a pair of shattered Ray Bans in the street, I imagine a hipster weeping in fetal position at Whole Foods.

HOW TO FAKE AN ORGASM
Gasp loudly.
Pronounce random numbers w/o moving your tongue.
Squirm.
Hold your breath for 15 secs.
Giggle.
Repeat...

Gotta invent a machine that will read tweets out loud! I hate having to stop in the middle of masturbating to read my damn timeline.

The love of blowies has made me aware that I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a meat tooth.

Guilt goes into the same category as unicorns, the easter bunny, and panties.

I wrote a tweet on a napkin because I left my cell at home. Yes that's what my life has come to.

This MilkyWay® has so many veins on it I don't know which orifice to put it in first.

If I get called out again for unfollowing someone, I swear I'm going to FUCKIN LAUGH HARDER

It's almost time to pay rent, which would be a lot easier if I charged all these men that come thru my apartment. Sad face.

All the Pringle Ladies! All the Pringle Ladies! (Get your hand stuck) uh oh oh oh oh Oh oh Oh oh uh oh oh

"I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U" - a stolen tweet, probably.

The best thing about having a peppermint oil shampoo is NOTHING CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE

I'm not sure if your mom is suppose to deep throat that Shake Weight® while she's using it.

I'm at a wedding rehearsal really hoping that the priest doesn't notice the stretch marks around my mouth.

I worry that my followers don't know there's a "Favorite" option to star my tweets and then I wake up and realize I'm not that funny.

HEY WELCOME TO TWITTER, WHERE WE ALREADY MADE THOSE JOKES THREE YEARS AGO.

Panties are totally overrated. HAHAJK I dunno what the fuck panties are.

Just did my nails and then I remembered to masturbate and this gonna be the longest 15 minute wait of my fuckin life.