My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now.

I need a drink.

"Back that ass up!" --- Amish driving test

If born again people commit suicide, do they break even?

I already tweet like nobody is watching.

I love my son, but his stories are boring.

Abstinence makes the heart pay for sex.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.


Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

I'm not fat. I'm famine proof.

Tyler Perry is directing a horror movie. How's he going to film past the first fifteen minutes when all his characters are dead?

I don't make people "talk to my hand" because of the things my hand knows.

After sex, I like to pinch the person I'm with to make sure that I'm not dreaming.
On a side note; hookers charge extra for pinching.

Magic Johnson.
Now that was an ironic name.

Apparently, I put the 'me' in 'court'.

I sucked a clown's dick once.

It tasted funny.

I still get flashbacks of the insides of my dad's balls.
It's my 'Nam.

Why are you calling us Americans ignorant?
As soon as I find out what that means, I'll probably want to kick your ass.

Keanu Reeves acting skills are worse than Christopher Reeves horse riding skills.

I really badly with the spellings.

I flashed three old ladies in the park.

Two of them has strokes, but the third one played with my balls. I got her number.

Winning.

I'm writing 'masturbation' autocorrect!! How many other words could it be?!
(dumbass)