Every once and a while I like to surprise people by being sober.

Flirting is very awkward for me because I never know what to do with the hand that's not down my pants. Usually just shove it down there too

Who wants to drink our old problems away while creating a bunch of new ones at lunch today?

Hey ladies, as much as I like your unsolicited boob pics, I'm an ass man. But don't send, my girlfriend has a perfect ass, you can't compare

I'm always amazed at women who will voluntarily be alone with me.

Judging by the size of the underwear by the spa and the scary drawn face and holes cut into this watermelon, my roommate will fuck anything.

Don't mistake dating for a relationship.

Is having sex still a thing people are doing?

The chicks at this bar are acting "twitter" slutty.

It's to the point where I'm more surprised when I meet girls who I haven't seen pee online.

If by "admitting to my mistakes" you mean leaving some sort of headstone, then yes. I admit to my mistakes.

"I wanna put my love frosting on your fart box" ~ Why my sexting usually only lasts one text :(

Astros going all Astros. Unreal. Factory of sadness.

I like to remind myself I have a right to an attorney, a lot.

Is it weird I only crank it to old podcasts of "Friday Facts" by @brianbeckner instead of the new ones, or is it weird that I do it at all?

"You couldn't handle me if you tried." ~ Me, talking to my left hand

@lazlogusto hahahahaha thanks! Best FF ever!!

I spend a lot of time just trying to get into my own pants.

I'm the Santa Claus of making it by all my neighbors houses to watch their wives shower & pee through the bathroom window in just one night.

The worst part about being single and not having a person to share my life with is having to get my own drink :(