Wranglers, mom jeans for guys.

I just saw a roach crawl by my foot while I was taking a shit. So I screamed like a woman and threw my sandwich at it.

Mars rover has sent pics from space! There's one of a rock. A pic of some dirt. Then one of the rover in a bathroom mirror making duck lips.

I make love like I play Words w/Friends. I stick things where they don't belong until it finally works, then I claim I knew it all along.

Is twitter almost over? I'm running out of tweets.

Hey mom, remember that time I walked in on u and dad fucking? U thought I would forget. I was 13. U made me hold the camera. I didn't forget

I must admit, this is one of the worst christian dating sites I've ever been on.

Dance like no 1 is watching, love like you've never been hurt, have sex like I'm not outside at ur window crying U BITCH WHY DID U LEAVE ME!

Things that make me scream like a woman:
1. Cockroaches
B. Midgets
3. Opening a tube of biscuits

I stole the empty flatscreen T.V box my neighbor put out 4 trash day. I put it in front of my house so people will think somebody loves me

I think I need a new doctor. Everytime I tell him what's happening to me he says "No shit?" and then he starts looking it up on wikipedia.

I just found out my Asian friend at work is in fact Mexican. So...I've got an opening in my friend department.

One thing I've learned is: Don't sing "I wish I had Jessie's girl" in front your friend Jessie when he's holding his newborn baby girl.

What does it mean when one of my balls is bigger than the other two?

Jenna Jameson arrested for DUI after wrecking her car into a telephone pole. This is not the first time she's wrapped herself around a pole.

I keep my cell phone tucked into the elastic of my tightey whiteys when I'm walking around the house cuz bitches be callin'.

Also if you get some DM's from me about penis pills that's not spam, I have some before & after pics I want you all to see.

Ok. I've been on Twitter for 2 yrs now and haven't got ANY pussy. I'm beginning to think you guys are all talk.

It it humanly possible for a woman to apply mascara with her mouth closed?

Hey guys, I just finished reading the Bible. *Spoiler alert* It was God the whole time!