A relationship's like a game of chess; you move the pointy head guy around, not sure what the horsey face guy does, some black dudes r there

Hey, people in white denim jackets. The 80s called. I hung up on them fools. That's a great jacket!

Huge shout out to people with hearing aids.

Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?

"Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, Goose is dead." - Maverick, gently breaking the news

"She's a can eater" - Hall & Goats

No, I said "M", as in "Mancy"...OMG why is this so difficult??

Five chickens leave Topeka traveling west at 25 mph. Please help me find them chickens. Those are my chickens.

Maybe Forrest Whitaker's eyeball is actually a compass that points to the nearest Waffle House?

Dre: It's like this and like that and like this and uh

Me: Dre, you don't actually know what it's like, do you.

Dre: No :(

"I can see where you're coming from." - urologist

Life cycle of a butterfly
• larva
• pupa
• imago
• lower back tattoo

I've never actually tried drugs, but my expectation is that they taste like cocaine.

Adam & Steve, sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then that's it. - North Carolina school kids

Sometimes I sit on my hand until it falls asleep so it feels like someone else owes the IRS $85,000.

...and when there was only one set of footprints and some tire tracks, Jesus was chasing you in a dune buggy.

I stabbed a man with a bottle of food coloring, just to watch him dye.

My new haircut is so bad that Nicolas Cage is starring in a movie about it.

Pop goes the weasel! What else can we microwave?

Piñata is Spanish for "3.14 ñatas"