What would you doooo for a xanax bar.

I could really go for a healthy dose of tapeworms.

Ha! pic.twitter.com/cYSVM9frXu

I got dressed to go workout...can that count as my workout?

Mommy drinks because you play a recorder.

Damn right I'm writing a check at the grocery store. It's called floating a check bitch. Not everyone inherits a trust fund.

Women who act like selfish bitches raise their daughters to be selfish bitches. Break the fucking cycle. Ugh!!

Time to punish myself by taking my kids to the grocery store.

I have a feeling tonight's going to end with me drinking.

I'm gonna love you till the police come

I need a fucking drink

OMG, so wrong but so funny!!!! pic.twitter.com/HBa1WR5S3u

4th grade girl drama is why I drink.

I'm idling in bitch today.

I'm just going to crawl into bed and be fat. It's what I do best.

Ibuprofen and rum....because I know how to party hard.

All you naturally thin people who don't have to workout 70 hours a week just to lose half a damn pound...I FUCKING HATE YOU.

It's 2:20 and I can't feel my feet....what are YOU doing to make your Saturday memorable....or should I say forgettable.

My butthole just motorboated my ass again.

Singing the diarrhea song to my daughter this morning because, classy.