If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have not offended you, please wait your turn.

Sex with me is like an opera. Not really sure what's going on and it ends with a fat chick screaming really loud

I want to get around to the other deadly sins but I seem to be stuck on sloth

My kid lost another tooth. If he loses anymore I'm going to start taking it easy on my backswing

Know what makes a great ankle bracelet? Panties.

At work today, and I'm acting like a lesbian. Ain't doing dick.

I've been sober 200 days. Not in a row, just in general.

It's pretty sad when a spider can make my girlfriend scream louder than I can.

I got banned from church because I brought my own laugh track

There are certain things I don't want to hear during sex. "Honey, I'm home" is right at the top.

I like my women like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and brought to me on a donkey by Juan Valdez

I thought my cat looked cooler with his ears folded back so that's how I stapled them

If your presence can't add value to my life your absence will make no difference

What does Snoop Dogg use on his laundry? Bleeeeotch

420. I don't smoke weed. That's my credit score.

My dick's so big, it has it's own dick. And my dick's dick is still bigger than your dick

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my penis, so blow me, maybe?

Breast implants with squeaky toys inside them - GENIOUS

The bible in 10 seconds - incest, a flood, some rules, jesus comes back as a zombie, and the world ends.

Ladies, if you want to make the golden anniversary, you're gonna have to put anal on the table at some point