Finally, a business campus with business frats.

it's possible to be furious with your kid and still be grateful they're alive *she said through gritted teeth*

My wife is so pregnant her stomach looks like a mugger with pantyhose over his head.

I like my sex like a Psy song: the most viewed YouTube video of all time.

Although it ain't cheap, I consider the marching band that announces all of my orgasms to be money well spent.

There really are no silly tweets.

Just the ones not tweeted.

I'm in good spirits, and vice versa.

My aim is true, in that I will not miss you.

Weird to think that every day literally dozens of people die.

I have curves in all the right places (my penis?)

Strawberry Shortcake may be small but no task is too big for that bitch, you guys.

My daughter's wearing her Friday undies even though it's Tuesday, shit's getting straight up insane

Unfollowers: Don't forget to hit the gift shop on the way out.

Even Justin Guarini doesn't remember who he is.

this ham radio doesn't work very well but i must say it is delicious

They don't call me Muscles Marinara for nothing.

I'm not as chubby as I look in my Vines. Don't judge me.

Periods are ridiculous. I shouldn’t be punished for not being pregnant.

My resume is just a list of my most popular tweets.

Edited down to work friendly ones of course.

My resume is 2 tweets.

Whoops forgot to get "bikini ready" for the last 10 years