I swear I'm not going to resort to sexual tweets to get followers.

Boobies.

Just woke up from a nap with my boobs hanging out of my shirt. Either that was the best nap ever or I should be filing a police report.

"Ponytails, pigtails?"
Let's just stop with the animals and call them something more accurate: "fuck handles."

The McRib is trending, solidifying my thoughts that some people will put anything in their mouth.

This laptop asks for my permission so much that I feel like I should smack it with a whip a few times and put it in a leather case.

I only need 50 more stars for this tweet to get to 50. Please help!

Or not.

Whatever.

Assholes.

Is that chapstick in your pocket, or are you a crushing disappointment?

Everyone wants you to be honest, until you call their kid an asshole.

This coffee tastes just like a typical Monday. Bitter with the potential to give me shit.

Sometimes watching a tweet get a lot of stars is like watching the bosses retarded kid get promoted at work.

I need to wash my dream catcher. That thing is filthy.

A group of zebras is called a dazzle.
Your move, unicorns.

After being in a long term relationship, the walk of shame is more like a sprint to freedom.

I have enough food in this house to feed maybe one Olsen twin.

I wonder how many women realize most their follows just want to see naked pics....and I wonder how many guys realize those are really men.

I always wonder just how busted a persons face is, if they are only showing their tits in an avi.

Am I the only one who silently reads fortune cookie fortunes with an accent?

If I ever Twittercide, I am doing it suicide bomber style, and taking some of you fuckers with me.

When I find tweets that have 99 stars and I give you the 100th, I am satisfied knowing I am making your Twitter dreams come true.

If you have your nails done, designer purse and shoes, then pull out some food stamps...I hope your ass gets hit in the parking lot.