I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

Doggystyle: because maybe I don't want to look at you either.

Telling someone "I had a dream about you" is code for: I had a dream we fucked and now I want to.

Being single forever doesn't scare me.

Marrying the wrong person & being miserable forever does.

Twitter: Where celebrities think it's Facebook & everyone else thinks it's open mic night.

Can someone tell me why there are weight limits on elevators but not on slutty clothes?

Before Twitter
Him: I live 65 miles away.
Me: I don't do long distance.

Today
Him: I live 8065 miles away.
Me: This could totally work.

Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it & hit send.

Relationships are like anal sex, it looks so much easier in the movies.

The longer I'm single, the closer I get to making some ugly guy very lucky.

I fuck too good to be this single.

Orgasms are like washing your car, you can do it yourself, but it’s so much better when a man does it for you.

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I've found someone else.
Her: I'm bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 6,213,865 times, we're obviously fucking.

I love you, but I'm not "answer my phone" in love with you.

I may be skinny & pretty, but I fuck like an ugly fat chick.

Twitter: A place where you can totally be yourself, using someone else's picture & a fake name.

Dance like your rent money depends on it.

I'm not even looking for Prince Charming anymore.

I'd be happy to find Prince acts alright and doesn't try and fuck all my friends.

Bad news: you haven't changed at all.

Good news: you're no longer my fucking problem.