Cashier: "Paper, or plastic?"
Me: "Whatever, I'm bisacksual."
Cashier: ...
Me: "Fuck you, that was funny."

You say tomato, I say that's a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you're all "tomato." You can leave.

I take glitter pills so my poop sparkles. It's all over the woods by my house. The neighbor kids all think there's a unicorn around. Idiots.

If you can't manage to master the brevity of the 140 character tweet without sacrificing grammar, syntax or humor, then you're probably stu

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but *slap* *slap slap slap* *slap slap* *slapslapslapSLApsLaPSLAPSLAPPUNCHPUNCHKICKKICKSTABSTABSTAB*

Sometimes, I put on lipstick and chase my friends with my pants around my ankles, but I stop before it gets weird.

I keep forgetting that if you put a girl on a pedestal, she'll eventually kick you in the face.

Pretty racist how Clorox only makes things white.

We're sorry, the person you are trying to reach out to is emotionally unavailable. Please leave your feelings after the tone.



*beep*

My twitter crush ignores me more than your twitter crush.

I called this lady a bitch a few minutes ago, and she's STILL mad about it. Good luck living your whole life in the past, idiot.

You're a little bit country, and that's a little bit of a deal breaker.

Blood is thicker than water, & period blood is thicker than regular blood, due to endometrial tissues. I forget where I was going with this.

The girl in the breakroom thinks I'm really engaged in her story, but I'm really staring at the skittles in the vending machine behind her.

"You snooze, you lose?"
Bullshit.
Try "You snooze, and now you're well rested, which is important for optimal daily function, so you win."

Scientists* theorize that the Catholic stance on homosexuality comes from gays telling Jesus his sandals didn't match & that he wasn't cute.

If I could have sex with coffee without burning my dick again, I would totally do it.

Hey, you don't have to eat EVERY DAY, right? -Asking for my kids.

In honor of black history month, I'm pointing out every black person I see to my son, while yelling "there's one!" -Education is important.

I was all "I love you, baby" and she was all "You're violating your restraining order right now." -I'm a hopeless romantic like that.