Fuck you because fuck you.

Either I'm not good enough to RT, or you assholes are jealous.

There is nothing better than a man who fucks like an athlete then passes out cold, thus allowing me to binge eat over the sink in peace.

I think I just passed an ovary.

There was such an awkward pause during my last text conversation when I couldn't find an emoticon to express how I was feeling. Horngry.

I swear I'm not at the liquor store that opens at 8 but this guy had a fit outside the liquor store that opens at 8 because they are closed.

Thanks for the dick pic, here's a photo of my dog's asshole.

It would be nice to share a life with someone. Unfortunately, everyone I meet eventually disgusts or annoys the shit out of me.

I feel so bad for my son. Think of how hard its going to be to find a username that's not already taken in 15 years.

Getting a strep test and my dr noted "no gag reflex"

Stalking? More like I overwhelm people with my awesomeness.

If you want more stars, compliment me. I have low self esteem and save them as favorites.

Keep calm, carry on, and occasionally smack a bitch as needed.

If you're riding out the apocalypse in your basement with a lifetime supply of canned goods, don't get your can opener from the dollar store

Shit! I fell asleep eating a chocolate covered cookie and honestly thought I shit myself for a few seconds when I woke up.

When a girl starts quoting The Notebook on facebook after a breakup, I assume she is going to kill herself.

I just taught my three year old what a courtesy flush is.

I am the girl who gets sick and has Star Wars marathons.

Is there any sort of bad mood a soapy set of tits can't cure?

The sad moment you are in your car parked outside the gym tapping the crumbs from a cheetos bag into your mouth.