My Dad is such a good story teller that when I was 12 he told me about the "birds and bees" and by halfway through we were both jerking off.

1st thing I did when I got to jail was blow 3 guys so they knew I was cool. The 2nd thing I did was leave because I was done visiting my dad

I always tuck my nuts into the condom cause I have no idea where her asshole has been

If a girl faints in public, stick your finger in her vagina while looking at your watch. The watch makes ppl think you're checking something

The best blowjob I've ever had cost me $27.25. She wasn't a hooker or anything, but her kids kept making me put money in their swear jar.

I was too drunk to cum, so I faked it and shot a snot rocket on her as the decoy, then looked up and realized we were fucking missonary.

"Sheems you've shlapped shemen acrossh my facsh" - Sean Connery doing some gay shit.

"I didn't even know you could die from having your nuts sucked on" - a conversation I hope takes place between 2 ppl. at my funeral

Why don't they make condoms out of human nut sack? That thing is thin as fuck and mine hardly ever tears open.

Trebek: "Homosexuals, and people on Mexican diets" Me: What is having butt piss? Trebek: That is correct Me: I'll stay with Science for $400

My girlfriend started giving me road head on the highway and I immediately slowed down to 0mph so I could let my parents out.

I'm standing in a police lineup with 5 black guys and we all have to say "SUCK MY BLACK NUTS!" I just hope she doesn't recognize my voice...

If you hate watching a movie with someone who says each movie line right before it's said, then you'd fuckin hate watching porn with my kids

40 minitues into the orgy my Mom farted and I was fucking humiliated.

Just watched a porn where 5 black guys were jerkin off on 1 white girl and I suddenly realized Abe Lincoln had a vision we didn't comprehend

The kids used to call me Foreskin Boy and Cheese Dick, but after a circumcision and some counseling, the kids are back to calling me Dad.

Why is it called a "69"? It should be called a "this feels fuckin awesome what the fuck's that smell"

Why is Sarah McLachlan singing, and walking around my house filming my children?

Disabled people in wheelchairs are lucky. They have no idea how much a calf cramp can hurt when playing sports with friends, or having sex.

I used to dress up like a girl and take women's self defense classes so that I could learn how to counter their moves.