It's kind of ironic that I've never seen a chicken orgasm, yet hundreds of chickens have seen mine.

I got suspended from school in 1st grade for saying "vagina" but what did my teacher expect when she asked me what my favorite color was.

I was a phone sex operator for 2 weeks before I finally quit because I hate being on the phone all night with my dad.

"I used to be a MILF....now I'm just an ILF" - Casey Anthony

The movies Goodfellas and Casino are two movies that portray how corrupt life would be if a 4ft. human being could kick everyones ass.

Eating goatcheese ravioli watching my stupid stoned wife make a condiment and cheese sandwich on top of the fridge. Thanks marijuana.

When I put a camouflage sock over my dick and walk around the woods naked, the animals probably think I'm a chick hahaha those stupid fucks.

My wife is so immature. She still says "I'm going potty!" when she's having an orgasm.

I always tickle the prostitute just as I'm shoving my penis in her, that way I don't feel embarrassed when she busts out laughing :(

I laugh my fuckin ass off whenever I hear adults call cocktail mixers "butter knives"

There's something sexy about a hot chick calling you "daddy" even if it's true.

I didn't think my daughter had a racist bone in her body until I overheard her black boyfriend give her an orgasm.

I have an eerie feeling that it's going to soon be discovered that Billy Buckner speaks fluent Russian...

I have "Jeff is a pussy" tattooed on my chest because my high school bully was a tattoo artist :\

@kindofkyle this is actually how my dad met my father.

I'm pretty sure that whoever thought up the game "fuck, marry, kill" was watching a Full House marathon at the time.

I watched my wife give a guy a handjob on my old favorite chair & then put the chair in his truck because I'm a shitty yard sale negotiator.

Unless you have something against laughing your vaginas and dicks off, then follow @kindofkyle #FF

I used to work for the Animal Rescue Shelter until I learned about bestiality and now I send these tweets from prison.

I went to taco bell and found a used condom in my burrito and couldn't fucking believe they actually got my order right.