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Loved your last tweet. You know, the one you did instead of replying to my text.
Couldn't sleep for the past 20 minutes so I wrote 6 Adam Sandler movies.
Hey, people with ugly faces, you can stop exercising now.
If you star a lot of my tweets and you look pretty in your little picture, I tell my family that we are dating.
Ladies! wanna find out who looks at your profile page? Here it is: your boyfriend, your ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend. That's it.
Me: I love you, Dad. My Dad: No problem.
Fuck! That Gotye song IS everywhere. It's even track 2 on Led Zeppelin IV
Not to brag but sometimes I hand lemons to Life. Life gets totally confused.
once your friend starts making jewelry, it's time to get out the fuck out that friendship
Basically what I'm saying is, I'd make a horrible husband but at least I'll always make sure you're over-fed and always drunk.
Made a LOT of promises last night. Please don't text me about going for a hike.
What if I'm Chick-fil-A-Curious? WHAT THEN?
It's cold and I won't get up to close my window so I don't think I'd ever fight cancer if I had it.
Love means nothing, people are completely interchangeable. Have a good morning.
I just spent 9 hours telling a stranger I take Adderall for all the right reasons.
If you or your loved one were offended by any of my tweets, you may be entitled to a cash settlement.
C'mon dude, it's not that kind of party. Get your dick out of the baked potatoes.
Saw this video that made me want to become vegan but then I accidentally talked to a vegan and now I'm willing to cook people.
I'm not judging you but I am definitely "summing you up."
Comedian. Better on instagram
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