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Loved your last tweet. You know, the one you did instead of replying to my text.
Ladies! wanna find out who looks at your profile page? Here it is: your boyfriend, your ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend. That's it.
Not to brag but sometimes I hand lemons to Life. Life gets totally confused.
If you star a lot of my tweets and you look pretty in your little picture, I tell my family that we are dating.
once your friend starts making jewelry, it's time to get out the fuck out that friendship
Basically what I'm saying is, I'd make a horrible husband but at least I'll always make sure you're over-fed and always drunk.
If Libya faces Egypt, that's gonna really fuck up my brackets. I have Yemen going all the way. #marchmadness
Love means nothing, people are completely interchangeable. Have a good morning.
If you or your loved one were offended by any of my tweets, you may be entitled to a cash settlement.
Saw this video that made me want to become vegan but then I accidentally talked to a vegan and now I'm willing to cook people.
Made a LOT of promises last night. Please don't text me about going for a hike.
Host of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
