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I describe my handsome, but Republican friend as a "real tall glass of you're having that baby."
I think my neighbor sneaks in at night and puts food in my mouth and pees my bed. There's really no other explanation for what I wake up to.
Loved your last tweet. You know, the one you did instead of replying to my text.
Anybody know of a good cobbler? I'm looking for a pair of shoes made out of ranch dressing, and my guy is being a dick about it.
If you or your loved one were offended by any of my tweets, you may be entitled to a cash settlement.
"Rob Delaney and Kelly Oxford don't follow me on twitter, can you help?" - every girl I've slept with since 2009
C'mon dude, it's not that kind of party. Get your dick out of the baked potatoes.
Half way through shaving my beard off my razor gave out. Left the house to get more and on the way got invited to join 31 indy bands.
Host of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
