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Just finished a 3 minute fast.
My mirror is being a real asshole this holiday season.
I get nervous when my phone battery drops below 96%.
I describe my handsome, but Republican friend as a "real tall glass of you're having that baby."
"Yeah, I did Shakespeare in the park too." - sluts, circa 1600
LOVE ME BACK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
I think my neighbor sneaks in at night and puts food in my mouth and pees my bed. There's really no other explanation for what I wake up to.
Loved your last tweet. You know, the one you did instead of replying to my text.
You know that guy Adele sings about in all her songs?
It's Dave Coulier.
Remember kids, if you wanna huff paint, make sure to huff primer first.
What if I'm Chick-fil-A-Curious? WHAT THEN?
Anybody know of a good cobbler? I'm looking for a pair of shoes made out of ranch dressing, and my guy is being a dick about it.
If you or your loved one were offended by any of my tweets, you may be entitled to a cash settlement.
I Shazzam'd myself yelling at my girlfriend :( Turns out, I'm DMX :)
Couldn't sleep for the past 20 minutes so I wrote 6 Adam Sandler movies.
Me: I love you, Dad. My Dad: No problem.
"Rob Delaney and Kelly Oxford don't follow me on twitter, can you help?" - every girl I've slept with since 2009
Period jokes are never funny. Rape.
C'mon dude, it's not that kind of party. Get your dick out of the baked potatoes.
Half way through shaving my beard off my razor gave out. Left the house to get more and on the way got invited to join 31 indy bands.