"Follow me on twitter" - Someone who really thinks tweeting 'follow me on twitter' will get them more followers on twitter

If a prisoner on Death Row became a Zombie, would he be a Walking Dead Man Walking?

RT @elibraden: Q: What has 3 thumbs and loves blowjobs?

A: Def Leppard's rhythm section

I think they left some of Jesus' lesser miracles out of the Bible in order to make him look better. Like the time he made a blind man deaf.

Eternity is a very long time. Especially towards the end. - Woody Allen

One of my ex girlfriends passed away. Years later, I can remember the last words she ever spoke to me. "Please! You don't have to do this!"

Lance Armstrong admits to cheating, lying and destroying the careers of people who told the truth. Can you believe the ball on that guy?!?

My ex GF was an alcoholic so I told her to go to a AAA meeting. She still drinks, but now she can change a tire and jumpstart a car.

My alcoholic ex GF loved Halloween because that was the one day of the year she could have all the "Boos" she wanted.

If Mitt Romney really cared about America, he would have Bain Capital acquire Hurricane Sandy and outsource the storm damage to China.

Child Protective Services talked to Joe Biden this morning. Someone reported seeing him beating a youngster in public last night. #vpdebate

I was lucky enough to see Ray Charles in concert before he died, but I don't think he saw me.

Joe Paterno's funeral was today. His body was buried in the sand and reunited with his head (which has been buried in the sand since 2004).

I just got into a hypothetical argument with my imaginary girlfriend...about a fantasy she had.

My ex-girlfriend became addicted to drinking invisibility potion, so I had to stop seeing her.

I might not look like it, but I know Karate, Judo AND JuJitsu. (I also know about a dozen more Asian words, too!)

You'd think after all these years of looking up at the sky every 5 minutes all night long, Batman would just get a cell phone.

I couldn't dig my life any more if I were a shovel!

I wonder if the inventor of the shovel had any idea what a groundbreaking idea it was at the time...

Fact: Cockroaches can live for 9 days without a head. Big Deal. I have gone MONTHS without head and I'm perfectly fine. Roaches are wimps.