I don't think of it as 'alcohol'. I prefer 'Beverages with benefits'.

I am completely comfortable with being irrelevant.

Fuck reality...I've got dreams to tend to...

I'm so old I remember when Jesus turned water into wine. The water was from a pond on Jebidiah Boone's Farm... #CLSC

This vagina is so moist and delicious AND it slides right off the bone.

The last time Atlanta rolled over that hard was when Sherman came through...

This men's room attendant just gave me the BMOTD trophy, so all your shits are irrelevant...

With all due respect to Native Americans? My "Dream Catcher" is a large box of Kleenex.

Ever have an orgasm SO intense that your knees buckled and you hit your head on the bathtub and weren't't found for four hours?

If I get behind you in the fast lane on the fwy, and have to pass your inattentive, narcissistic ass on the right? I'm allowed to shoot you.

Friend just texted me she was "Blowing Chinks". Either she's developed a serious Asian fetish, or auto-correct has struck again.

FUCK YOU OATMEAL RAISIN POSING AS CHOCOLATE CHIP...

Michelle Dugger has said that her 20th child is going to be delivered via c-section so she can return to her job as a bowling ball return.

I did MY part for the rapture as I placed about 100,000 unborn baies in a towel this morning and sent them to heaven...

"You're welcome" is not an appropriate response when you buddy calls to tell you his wife is pregnant, apparently.

I follow more people based on @redpawn3 RT's than any other single reason. 'Nuff said.

I drink beer like Miller needs the cans back...

Why aren't there more women pilots? Because in aviation, a 3-point landing doesn't mean face and tits...

Someone call 911...I just poured out half a beer and put the bourbon away. I believe this is how the Zombie Apocalypse begins...

Croutons are the nipples of a salad.