I'd call out her name when we're making love but I'm afraid I may wake her.

You shut up liver! Just shut your liver mouth! We're doing this again bitch!

If you're having sex using a condom. If at anytime it begins to feel good.
STOP! Your rubber broke and it's just a cock ring now.

My kids are learning the value of money because I don't give them any.

Happy fathers day Nickelodian ! You've done an ok job of raising my kids !

Spent most of morning begging for a BJ. Maybe I'll just go home now, the people around this store are fucking rude.

That awkward moment when everything seems to be going right.

I just don't trust that shit.

I don't have pet peeves, it's more like a whole zoo of frustration.

Captain Crunch hurt the roof of my mouth until I figured out to eat it from a glass instead.
The key is using beer not milk, and no cereal.

I hate it when a girls so fine I can't help but give her the double click and agree to her terms and conditions.

NASCAR would be better if it was more like porn. Or real sports. Or Family Guy. Or anything but NASCAR.

Approximately July, 1992.

Last time I had a glass of water.

I got artificial lemons in my lemonade and real lemons in my furniture polish.

That's what's wrong with this fucking world.

I told my old lady she should bleach her asshole but she said I wouldn't look good as a blonde.

Growing up we were so poor I had to masturbate into a wool sock.

That I shared with my brother.

People live tweeting what they're doing at that exact moment make me mad.


Related: I'm sitting here with friends getting drunk and high.

I like to throw precautions to the wind. Everybody does cautions.

How are these people unemployed and homeless ? They're awake before me every damn day.

Since there's no "wrong" way to do it,
I guess I can dance the Humpty Dance.

You can't claim you're really into fisting unless you've tried the "mini-van".
Two in the front, five in the back.