Hey guys,
There is no need to prove endurance while receiving a blow job.
Sincerely, women.

Trust me, you want a girl that masturbates...

If spiders ever develop wings I plan on drinking until I die

Dear new rappers, it's not rhyming when you just say the same word over and over. Sincerely, white folks.

Cleaning my house is so much harder when I'm at the bar drinking

I only use Facebook to complain about bad drivers. Fuck your birthday.

If I was a lesbian I'd be all like "wanna slam clams later?"

Getting fucked with a skirt on..... Yeah that. Fucking love that....

Twitter is the real city that never sleeps

I need to work on my chloroform resistance

When I'm talking to a guy at the bar and I make an army of darkness reference and he doesn't get it I just walk away.

Just had to punch a child in the face for singing the song that never ends to prove that yes, it will end.

I like how going 20mph in a school zone makes it easier to tweet.

Buy me a drink, I'll dance for you pic.twitter.com/jFUGMGkb

I temporarily learn so much when I watch jeopardy

I hope dumping bird seed all over this car will help my neighbor learn that we do not share my driveway

I met the sweetest guy at the bar, he had these European mints called rohypnal or something... Anyways I wish I could remember the night

This is what happens when I drink. My pants never stay on long... pic.twitter.com/QTGRTy4c

I felt so tan until I stood next to that leather bag. I mean girl.

Today seems like the perfect day for a nip slip.