It's not you, it's me.

I don't like you.

If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call me. I'm a doctor.

I wish I could delete all these cookies I just ate.

I may have a lot of emotional baggage but trust me, I've packed it well.

While tweeting, cars in front of you may be closer than expected.

Teaching kids about sex is exhausting because all the positions.

Facebook goes down = Nobody cares.
Twitter goes down = Panic ensues.
Your mom goes down = Everyone takes a number.

The way I see it, if you get offended, perhaps Twitter isn't the place for you.

I can snap a cucumber in half with my bare nevermind.

Hangovers are just happiness leaving your body.

The best part of being me is that I'm not you.

My face is pretty much just a glory hole with paint.

Bend me over and tell me I'm pretty.

Nothing more awkward to watch than goth mom and dad trying to teach their goth 3 year old how to socialize at the park.

When I was a kid and said I wanted to be a grown up, this is not what I meant.

This has got to be the worst dating site ever.

I'm hard on my kids because a hard on is what got me in this mess to begin with.

Studies show Twitter users adapt better to life changes than others. Specifically divorce, unemployment & prolonged lack of sexual activity.

Fuck me like you traded me for a carton of smokes.

Today I replaced the garbage disposal, changed a tire & oil, built an entertainment center and the only time I called a man was for a pizza.