Well played, men who only last seconds during sex, but hours during oral, well played.

Why don't you fuck with my heart while I fuck with your head? We'll call it a Relationship. It'll be fun!

I just had a conversation with myself about how I'm the only one who gets me.

If I star your bad tweets, it's not out of pity. It's because I'm simple-minded & I thought that shit was funny.

I want a man that is completely obsessed with me, but isn't too clingy.

Twitter is a lot like high school in that I flirt with everyone openly in public so no ones figures out who I'm fucking in private.

All I want is a man who will ask me to steer instead of push whenever we run out of gas.

Stop ignoring me. You're turning me on.

I just put a piece of paper in the shredder after it gave me a paper cut. Fuck with me if you want to...

The fact that I haven't scared you off yet is starting to scare me.

Sext: Hurry up and cum already. My phone is about to die.

Why am I single? Because opposites attract & I can't deal with men that aren't funny, don't drink, or hate bacon.

5 yr old: Why do I have to eat the burnt grilled chz?
Me: Because I'm eating the one that isn't burnt, & we don't waste food in this house!

If u ever see me running in athletic clothes, keep driving. If u ever see me running in street clothes, pull over & give a bitch a ride!

I'm not anti-social. I'm selfish, and I just wanna keep me all to myself.

If you didn't want me to fall in love with you, then you should have never sent me that dick pic.

This bitch sitting behind me at IHOP just sent her toast back because it was too dark. Fuckin racist...

I use to love when my daughter would hop up in my lap while I was on Twitter. Then she learned how to read...now I'm fucked.

I only buy expensive wine. So when I have empty bottles all over my house (always), I look like a collector instead of an alcoholic.

Hey white boys: Can I get a little cream in my coffee? ;-)