Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I'm opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Ladies, when you buy a $46 bottle of lotion, also get a cheap decoy lotion to set out so your husband doesn't jerk off with the good stuff.

Hey crazy coupon lady in front of me. Here's five bucks. I have ice cream here.

I just bent over to pick up something and my husband didn't even try to pretend hump me. Guess the honeymoon is over.

Lady at the bank told my husband 2 have a nice day,twice.Took all I had not to scream into the intercom 'why don't you just suck his cock'.

Forgot to shave the pits this morning. Guess I'll be completing all tasks with T-Rex arms today.

Just had a 6 hour conversation with my mom and when I hung up the phone I was surprised to see only 2 minutes had passed.

My husband follows 10 people on Twitter and he said he can't keep up. Isn't that just the cutest thing you've ever heard?

Since being on Twitter, I haven't read the back of a single shampoo bottle. I wonder if there's anything new going on with Pantene.

Canadian girls like it in the boot.

Just saw a douchebag in the car next to me putting gel in his hair as we cruised along the parkway. God I hope the Myans got it right.

I'd never unfollow you for sending a political tweet I don't agree with. But I will read it in a sarcastic waa waa baby voice in my head.

Forgot to put on mascara this morning and now someone needs to take this sharpie away from me before I make a horrible horrible decision.

Only god knows how many french fries have slipped down under my emergency brake cover.

Don't you use that font with me!

Accidently watched the Discovery channel for 6 hours and now I'm terrified of EVERYTHING.

What? I *like* to rub my tire against the curb as I pull forward at the drive thru.

I wish you could hear this crap I have to listen to. I should just hold up a mirror so he can argue with the person he is really mad at.

I'm pretty exhausted, with all this inhaling and exhaling I've been doing all day.

Logged into Twitter and my World's Best Mom mug fell and shattered on the floor. Seems about right.