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Apparently 'You gonna eat that' isn't an appropriate first date question.
Nipples are very important. You THINK her titties are nice, but really you can't judge, until nipples. Really.
My signature move is falling in love on the Internet and not ever getting to have real sex.
Please stop instagramming bacon. We get it, you're probably fat.
Drafting up a handwritten letter to send to a guy who is ignoring my texts. I'm on page six. Pretty sure its the right move to make here.
Having self-esteem looks so damn boring.
Ladies when you're sitting on a guys face and he says he can't breath, just ignore him, that means he likes it.
Sorry I couldn't stop staring at your nachos during lunch.
Pretty sure the happiest girls, give the shittiest blowjobs.
We all get it, you have awesome boobs, but can you eat an entire bag of cheetos in 20 minutes or less? Didn't think so bitch.
Peeks out window and sees neighbours working on organic garden. Time to go outside and chain smoke.
I wrote a book on Dating. Actually it's just a drawing of a girl on the couch, eating a mountain of Mexican food, but whatever, same shit.
Strategically placing lawn furniture,so that no matter what position I am sitting in there is zero chance of eye contact with the neighbours
So umm, is titty fucking still a thing?
ME: Miss you <3
ME: You're coming back right?
HIM: Im fucking engaged! You know this
ME: Want to come over for pizza?
So really though, if you're having sex, we don't want to hear your problems.
So by going out tonight, you mean you actually want to leave the house and be around other people we don't know? Yeah, no, Count me out.
Drunk white male neighbours talking about 'proper' sushi very intensely in backyard, so I tossed a bag of my dogs shit over the fence.Cheers
Thanks Karen on facebook, for sending me a picture of a cat with one eyeball that needs to be adopted.
EX: You're fucking crazy.
ME: Yeah well at least I have eyebrows, unlike your new girlfriend!
SNAP' Totally won that one.
Hey, sorry I'm late to the party. I brought chips and dip.