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Apparently 'You gonna eat that' isn't an appropriate first date question.
My signature move is falling in love on the Internet and not ever getting to have real sex.
Nipples are very important. You THINK her titties are nice, but really you can't judge, until nipples. Really.
Please stop instagramming bacon. We get it, you're probably fat.
Having self-esteem looks so damn boring.
Ladies when you're sitting on a guys face and he says he can't breath, just ignore him, that means he likes it.
Sorry I couldn't stop staring at your nachos during lunch.
Drafting up a handwritten letter to send to a guy who is ignoring my texts. I'm on page six. Pretty sure its the right move to make here.
We all get it, you have awesome boobs, but can you eat an entire bag of cheetos in 20 minutes or less? Didn't think so bitch.
Pretty sure the happiest girls, give the shittiest blowjobs.
So umm, is titty fucking still a thing?
ME: Miss you <3
ME: You're coming back right?
HIM: Im fucking engaged! You know this
ME: Want to come over for pizza?
I wrote a book on Dating. Actually it's just a drawing of a girl on the couch, eating a mountain of Mexican food, but whatever, same shit.
So really though, if you're having sex, we don't want to hear your problems.
Strategically placing lawn furniture,so that no matter what position I am sitting in there is zero chance of eye contact with the neighbours
Drunk white male neighbours talking about 'proper' sushi very intensely in backyard, so I tossed a bag of my dogs shit over the fence.Cheers
So by going out tonight, you mean you actually want to leave the house and be around other people we don't know? Yeah, no, Count me out.
Peeks out window and sees neighbours working on organic garden. Time to go outside and chain smoke.
I found my drivers license today, under my couch, beside a dirty sock. That should tell you how prepared I am for life.
Just tried to pay for my tea with a button. The cashier didn't find it as cute as I did.
Hey, sorry I'm late to the party. I brought chips and dip.