I'd rather be hand washing thongs for porn stars then listen to you tell me about your kids fucking soccer game.

The good news is that I was the second hottest chick at McDonald's this morning

You guys better be nice or all the twitter ladies will sync our periods, then the sky will clap, turn black, and we will fuck your shit up.

I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid what my people will think, when they go through all my shit.

Neighbor kid: my mom says your a drunk.
Me: your mom's fucking your uncle.

Thongs?of course I wear those everyday.
I love giving oral n making sandwiches.
What times the game?

Things chicks say before the ring.

Seriously twitter if you were anymore awesome you would be my vagina.

My body is less wonderland and more state fair.

Beards make me want to sit on them.

Big truck = small penis
Big ego = small penis
Vanity plate = small penis
Skinny jeans= vagina

It's a get high and masturbate in public kind of Tuesday.

Guys: The strippers like your big wallet not your dick. So ya, just like your wife. Carry on.

Does the 5 second rule count for babies?

I don't say 'epic' I'm 35 yrs old not 21. I WILL say titty fuck and ball sack bc that's much more sophisticated.

I wonder how many jobs, relationships and family's twitter has destroyed?


Fucking pussy's

Shaving bumps, Shaving bumps, oh how I hate thee. Now I look like a crack whore sporting an STD.

I tweet 2 get recognition from complete strangers. Much better then my previous, I fuck complete strangers to get love.

Easiest way to ruin a great relationship?
Marriage.

I swear if one more person tells me happy hump day, I'm going to dry fuck their face until one of my hips break their fucking nose.

When things get bad I know it could be a lot worse......wait. This isn't Facebook.


Cunt, shit, fuck, pussy, cock.

So, sorry.