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Fox News is Sesame Street for old people.
Left-handed lesbians can't scissor :(
It makes me sick to my butthole to know there are children in this world who believe Jaden Smith is the Karate Kid.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I used to sneak into my stepkids rooms and tell them I was murdered years ago and I needed them to find my killer. They'd cry SO much! Cute!
"The fuck???" - every news anchor's reaction when they're given the Michael Douglas-got-cancer-from-eating-pussy story this morning
Fathers be good to your daughters or John Mayer will fuck them.
My friend told me her 2-year old took his diaper off, shit on the floor, then her dog "cleaned" it up. My tubes just tied themselves.
The Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Award's are a great reminder of why children aren't allowed to vote.
Best part of brunch was my mom telling us how much she cried when my sister was born because she was the ugliest baby she had ever seen.
"I'm so fucked." - what a sick kid must be thinking when their favorite athlete walks into their hospital room
It's funny when Democrats and Republicans argue back and forth as if both parties aren't full of lying assholes.
Put your toddler on the phone with me, I come to your house and key "Buttfucker" into the side of your car. Rules are rules.
If your parents named you Crystal, they never wanted you to amount to shit.
I can't believe the police still haven't found Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman's killer, it's like they're not even trying.
Being "stoned to death" seems like a pretty rad way to go.
The first time you hold your newborn baby must feel exactly like going to a bar the next morning and finding your lost debit card.
ChristianMingle would get a lot more hits on their site if they changed their name to VirginBHoleBuffet.
Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
If your mom always told you to "try new things", she was totally down with anal. Nighty night!
Writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs. Follow me on Instagram: jennyjohnsonhi5