Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
For up-to-the-minute weather, just log on to Facebook and check people's pictures of the temperature readout from inside their vehicles.
Hitler was probably one of those guys who'd take the leftover Halloween candy to work without consulting the rest of his family first. Dick.
It's nice how the NFL guys wear pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and the MLB guys grew beards for Pedophile Awareness Month.
Terrorists don't scare me as much as "Bible Thumpers" do.
When chicks decorate their houses with fake cobwebs for Halloween, I assume it's a sneak peek to the inside of their vaginas.
There's just nothing sexier than seeing someone eating while driving.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If you and your spouse wore matching clothes in your engagement photo, there's a 99% chance an episode of Dateline will be about you.
Can't sleep. Pretty sure Tilda Swinton is standing in the corner of my bedroom being pale and creepy.
At this point making fun of Amanda Bynes feels like laughing at the underprivileged Little League team who has to play in blue jeans.
"Look, if pot were legal then I wouldn't have to buy it from your kid." - what I say to my neighbors when they want to talk politics
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, "Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst." I am beyond proud.
I'd rather get a summons for jury duty than a baby shower invitation.
Ever since Honey Boo Boo's mom dyed her hair blonde, I wanna fuck her so bad it's not even funny.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Jessica Simpson has already taught her son everything she knows.
A hate fuck for Alec Baldwin would just be a regular fuck for the rest of us :(
Fuck you, kids. If you can play Tetris, you can load the dishwasher.
If you think North West will one day be embarrassed by her name, just wait until she finds out her mom made porn.
Writer, proud Texan, asshole and owner of 2 dogs. Follow me on Instagram: jennyjohnsonhi5