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I wonder if caterpillars know they're gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like 'why am I doing this'.
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
take the advertising industry down in one easy step by liking yourself
Birth control pills are like cute little advent calendars for a really shitty holiday.
"When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?"
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
"No Mom, I said LAVA."
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
No, no, honey, I said let's have 'ANNUAL sex'.
"Mommy, I don't wanna grow up and die!"
"Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really."
When you laugh at a hateful joke, are you laughing at the perpetrator or the victim? That's a good place to start figuring yourself out.
it's not a midlife crisis it's my halftime show
I wish the air was full of food like an aquarium.
The most romantic thing I've ever seen is Alec Baldwin giving Geena Davis her jawbone back after the rapid aging scene in Beetlejuice.
Whatever horrific pain you had to suffer to develop that wonderful sense of humor was totally worth it for me.
what's obama's last name again I always forget
Your dating profile should just be a list of pros and cons with a photo of you 1st thing in the morning.
My homemade kale chips are in mason jars next to my sprouts, honey from my hive, and homemade ginger ale. What I'm saying is I'm an asshole.
I wear my 'Juicy' sweatpants backwards.
Until you wake up to a young child's silhouette blankly staring at you in the darkness, you know nothing of fear.
I only use Facebook for making sure the curses I put on people in middle school took. They did.
I gave myself a prison tattoo in a teen help facility when I was 14. It was of a happy face. Then I met you.
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