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I wonder if caterpillars know they're gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like 'why am I doing this'.
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
The most romantic thing I've ever seen is Alec Baldwin giving Geena Davis her jawbone back after the rapid aging scene in Beetlejuice.
what's obama's last name again I always forget
I wish the air was full of food like an aquarium.
take the advertising industry down in one easy step by liking yourself
I wear my 'Juicy' sweatpants backwards.
My homemade kale chips are in mason jars next to my sprouts, honey from my hive, and homemade ginger ale. What I'm saying is I'm an asshole.
Until you wake up to a young child's silhouette blankly staring at you in the darkness, you know nothing of fear.
Birth control pills are like cute little advent calendars for a really shitty holiday.
I know political tweets are annoying but so is raising a rape baby.
*reads Instagram rules* *shrugs it off and continues living* *opens a magazine* *sees own pic in every diet ad's 'before' photo*
is german roulette where you shoot everyone else
Please be sure to let me know if the way I live my life is in total accordance with your beliefs.
My 12yo old was winning Monopoly so I shook the board, told him to wait for FEMA's help, then took all his railroads under Eminent Domain.
No matter your beliefs, if you vote to deny freedom to anyone, you are creating a system that will take yours and your children's someday.
I wish Monsanto was cast as Batman so your rage would mean something.
Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn't even been able to figure out in 200 years?
should I get a nose ring? and by nose ring I mean abortion
Whatever horrific pain you had to suffer to develop that wonderful sense of humor was totally worth it for me.
I gave myself a prison tattoo in a teen help facility when I was 14. It was of a happy face. Then I met you.