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I wonder if caterpillars know they're gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like 'why am I doing this'.
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
take the advertising industry down in one easy step by liking yourself
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
Birth control pills are like cute little advent calendars for a really shitty holiday.
When you laugh at a hateful joke, are you laughing at the perpetrator or the victim? That's a good place to start figuring yourself out.
I wish the air was full of food like an aquarium.
The most romantic thing I've ever seen is Alec Baldwin giving Geena Davis her jawbone back after the rapid aging scene in Beetlejuice.
what's obama's last name again I always forget
My homemade kale chips are in mason jars next to my sprouts, honey from my hive, and homemade ginger ale. What I'm saying is I'm an asshole.
"Mommy, I don't wanna grow up and die!"
"Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really."
I wear my 'Juicy' sweatpants backwards.
No, no, honey, I said let's have 'ANNUAL sex'.
Whatever horrific pain you had to suffer to develop that wonderful sense of humor was totally worth it for me.
Until you wake up to a young child's silhouette blankly staring at you in the darkness, you know nothing of fear.
Let me know if your journey to find yourself ever leads to the discovery that other people exist.
I know political tweets are annoying but so is raising a rape baby.
*reads Instagram rules* *shrugs it off and continues living* *opens a magazine* *sees own pic in every diet ad's 'before' photo*
I gave myself a prison tattoo in a teen help facility when I was 14. It was of a happy face. Then I met you.