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I wonder if caterpillars know they're gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like 'why am I doing this'.
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
take the advertising industry down in one easy step by liking yourself
Birth control pills are like cute little advent calendars for a really shitty holiday.
When you laugh at a hateful joke, are you laughing at the perpetrator or the victim? That's a good place to start figuring yourself out.
I wish the air was full of food like an aquarium.
The most romantic thing I've ever seen is Alec Baldwin giving Geena Davis her jawbone back after the rapid aging scene in Beetlejuice.
what's obama's last name again I always forget
I wear my 'Juicy' sweatpants backwards.
My homemade kale chips are in mason jars next to my sprouts, honey from my hive, and homemade ginger ale. What I'm saying is I'm an asshole.
Until you wake up to a young child's silhouette blankly staring at you in the darkness, you know nothing of fear.
Let me know if your journey to find yourself ever leads to the discovery that other people exist.
Whatever horrific pain you had to suffer to develop that wonderful sense of humor was totally worth it for me.
I know political tweets are annoying but so is raising a rape baby.
*reads Instagram rules* *shrugs it off and continues living* *opens a magazine* *sees own pic in every diet ad's 'before' photo*
is german roulette where you shoot everyone else
Too bad we can't use the psychology behind advertising to trick people into being decent instead of pretty.
Please be sure to let me know if the way I live my life is in total accordance with your beliefs.
My 12yo old was winning Monopoly so I shook the board, told him to wait for FEMA's help, then took all his railroads under Eminent Domain.
I gave myself a prison tattoo in a teen help facility when I was 14. It was of a happy face. Then I met you.