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My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
"Mommy, I don't wanna grow up and die!"
"Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really."
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
Birth control pills are like cute little advent calendars for a really shitty holiday.
*has an epiphany* ohhhh resting bitch face means a woman so deep in thought she forgot to be self-conscious of her looks for a minute
take the advertising industry down in one easy step by liking yourself
"When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?"
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
"No Mom, I said LAVA."
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Whatever horrific pain you had to suffer to develop that wonderful sense of humor was totally worth it for me.
No, no, honey, I said let's have 'ANNUAL sex'.
it's not a midlife crisis it's my halftime show
I wish the air was full of food like an aquarium.
When you laugh at a hateful joke, are you laughing at the perpetrator or the victim? That's a good place to start figuring yourself out.
The most romantic thing I've ever seen is Alec Baldwin giving Geena Davis her jawbone back after the rapid aging scene in Beetlejuice.
what's obama's last name again I always forget
Until you wake up to a young child's silhouette blankly staring at you in the darkness, you know nothing of fear.
My Dating Profile
Good as hell tweets
I gave myself a prison tattoo in a teen help facility when I was 14. It was of a happy face. Then I met you.
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