The most romantic thing I've ever seen is Alec Baldwin giving Geena Davis her jawbone back after the rapid aging scene in Beetlejuice.

what's obama's last name again I always forget

I wear my 'Juicy' sweatpants backwards.

I know political tweets are annoying but so is raising a rape baby.

*reads Instagram rules* *shrugs it off and continues living* *opens a magazine* *sees own pic in every diet ad's 'before' photo*

is german roulette where you shoot everyone else

Until you wake up to a young child's silhouette blankly staring at you in the darkness, you know nothing of fear.

Please be sure to let me know if the way I live my life is in total accordance with your beliefs.

I wish the air was full of food like an aquarium.

Birth control pills are like cute little advent calendars for a really shitty holiday.

No matter your beliefs, if you vote to deny freedom to anyone, you are creating a system that will take yours and your children's someday.

should I get a nose ring? and by nose ring I mean abortion

So, 'lovely lady lumps' doesn't mean cellulite? Confused and embarrassed.

life has never handed me any lemons I had to go out and forage for my own like some kind of cave person

make sure you guys capitalize Brown ok?

Drank a Dr. Pepper 10 and my vagina swallowed a deer whole, belched, then welded itself shut.
I guess it really is 'not for women'. : (

probably just gonna shout 'NOPE' after everything I hear today

My 12yo old was winning Monopoly so I shook the board, told him to wait for FEMA's help, then took all his railroads under Eminent Domain.

thinking about spelling both 'your' and 'you're' as 'yore' just to liven things up around here

Why is the 'It's Complicated' button only for 'In a Relationship' and not for 'Family', 'Career', 'Beliefs', 'Age' or 'Friends'?